Why do I keep telling people what to do?

Is this a problem?

My Journey

“Nii, what should I do?”

As a leader and mentor, I can’t count the number of times people have asked me this question. Sometimes I hear it from a team member who’s hit a crossroads in their research project. They need to decide what direction to pursue next, and so they ask, “Nii, what should I do?” Other times, I’m guiding people through interpersonal conflicts. They’ve made multiple attempts to resolve a situation, but nothing is working. So, they reach out and ask, “Nii, what should I do?” Other times, people have sought me out for career guidance. They have interests in several science-related fields, but they’re having a hard time choosing what to pursue. Should they explore a biomedical research career, a teaching-focused career, or both? Or maybe they should consider opportunities in the pharmaceutical industry, or science policy positions in the government. Here again, they ask, “Nii, what should I do?”

You’d think I’d be honored, and perhaps even flattered, by people’s questions. After all, when people ask me, “what should I do?” they’re showing that they value my input. They’re also expecting that I’ll give them a helpful answer.

Instead of feeling flattered, I usually feel irritated. I know that sounds odd. Why would I be annoyed by the question, especially as someone who claims to be an invested mentor? Well, the question grates against my mentoring philosophy. One of my primary goals, as a mentor, is to equip people with the skills to effectively navigate their training and career journeys. I’d rather help people think through their challenges, than tell them what to do. I’d much rather help them learn the processes of problem solving, instead of telling them exactly how to solve the problem.

But every once in a while, I give in and tell people what to do. I tell them what specific research question to pursue. I tell them what specific career is worth pursuing in their situation. Or I tell them exactly how to address their interpersonal conflicts.

When I give in and tell people what to do, something ironic happens. They don’t listen! Instead, they either tell me all the reasons they can’t do what I’ve said, or they go and do the exact opposite of what I directed.

After a while, I started realizing what was happening. When I tell people what to do, I’m helping them realize what they really want to do in the first place. When my directive doesn’t resonate with people, it actually gives them a clearer sense of how they want to move forward.

In the long run, it’s good for people to realize how they want to move forward. But it’s also discouraging if people continually ignore my advice. Over time, I’ve started taking a different approach. When people ask, “Nii, what should I do?” I answer with a question of my own, “What’s your goal?”

Even though people are immediately annoyed that I’m answering their question with a question, I don’t stop. Instead, I get more specific. What are your goals in this research project? What are your goals for your relationship with your classmates? What are your goals for your relationship with your mentor? What are your career goals? What are your passions? What type of environment do you want to work in?

Through these conversations, I’ve helped people think through their goals and motivations so they can ultimately arrive at a sound decision. And yet, I’ve also started to see the limitations of walking people through this decision process. Sometimes, I just need to be direct.

In my mental health advocacy role, more than one parent has asked me how to support a child navigating through mental health challenges. In my media and podcast interviews, show hosts have asked me how to advise people working through addiction, excessive social media use, depression, lack of motivation, pornography, or a host of other challenges. In these moments, it’s not the time for me to probe a parent or interviewer about all the reasons behind their question. I need to give direct answers to their direct questions. When students or other professors are at a crossroads, I need to provide direct guidance to help them avoid the mistakes that I and others have made in the past. These days, when mentees ask, “what should I do?” I joke that I’m about to give them a list of homework. To my pleasant surprise, people are listening, thanking me, and benefiting from my direct approach.

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As an exercise, I encourage you to reflect on how you react when people ask you for advice. What responses have you found to be helpful? What types of responses haven’t been helpful, or maybe even made things worse? There’s no “one-size-fits-all”, when it comes to giving advice. Clearly, your advice will vary depending on the situation, the person you’re talking to, your perspective, and so much more. At the same time, it’s still helpful to reflect on this question, so you can continue to meet people where they’re at. Hopefully, you’ll respond with grace, sincerity, and effectiveness.

Recent Happenings

This season’s Addy Hour podcast conversations have been a breath of fresh air. I’m continuously impressed by my guests’ willingness to dig deep into life-changing topics. The discussions have left me speechless at times, even while I’m hosting the podcast!

I encourage you to check out my most recent episode, “Do men really know how to connect?” with guests Carvens Lissaint and Dr. Maliek Blade. As Dr. Blade shares, this episode “is about men, but it’s for men and women.” And as Carvens poignantly reflects, “If you’re interested in what it looks like to be healthy, whole, and alive, this episode is for you.”

In this episode, we ask the question, do we as men really know how to connect? Do we know how to effectively express, process and manage our emotions? In this episode, we reflect on what it means to be in deep relationship, and why so many of us avoid it as men. We delve into the tension that many men experience between “what you do” and “who you are.” You’ll hear honest personal stories, as we lean into the mixed bag that comes with success, accolades and notoriety. We don’t shy away from talking about the pain of isolation, why it’s so easy to slip into, and how to effectively move into the joy that comes from being in authentic community. If you’re a man or you care about the men in your life, this episode is for you!