Our Stories and the Power of Listening and Belonging
Slowing down to listen.
My Journey
Moved by a Stranger’s Story.
“Speak up!” “Your voice is too deep and you’re mumbling. We can’t understand what you’re saying.” “Why are you so deadpan when you talk in front of the group?”
Growing up as a teenager, I heard these phrases often. Considering that I now find myself frequently speaking to groups of 500 or more, it feels odd to compare my current experiences with my previous challenges. Within a recent 4-week span, I was interviewed on “Mental Health and Human Flourishing” at Notre Dame University, delivered the Dr. Curtis Harper memorial keynote and some additional talks at UNC Chapel Hill, and gave a “Racial Disparities in Mental Health” keynote at a statewide behavioral health conference. This combination of speaking engagements, my ongoing lab and leadership roles, my service on multiple grant panels, and some significant family celebrations is also why you haven’t received my newsletter in a while!
With this schedule juggling act, I’m continually humbled by the positive feedback I receive at speaking events, as I sometimes squeeze these events in between other commitments. With my successful talks, it’s tempting for me to feel like I’ve arrived. After all, shouldn’t I take satisfaction in overcoming my public speaking challenges? Shouldn’t I also feel vindicated for disproving the naysayers who doubted my public speaking effectiveness? Perhaps.
In truth, I feel blessed to simply share insights from my research, leadership, and life experience. As I’ve previously written, I know that my insights have been informed by the many things I’ve learned through working with fantastic teams and collaborators. But even with all of these speaking engagements, the most meaningful moments are never captured in my keynote soundbites, articles, selfies with “fans,” social media posts, or on my CV.
My most meaningful interactions don’t occur when I’m speaking. They occur while I’m listening.
Throughout the last few weeks, I listened to stories from “strangers” where I was close to tears, felt a deep sense of connection, and observed expressions of sincere gratitude. These moments have occurred in unexpected places – on an airplane, in a Lyft, on college campus sidewalks, and in reception halls.
Here are just a few of those stories:
A military veteran sat next to me on a plane, who was clearly anxious about flying. I started a conversation to simply acknowledge her anxiety and to provide a distraction to put her at ease. Through our dialogue, she honestly shared her life story, the traumas she had experienced, and the ways she had found support to continue navigating and thriving.
A nutritionist, focused on gut-brain connections, who shared honestly about his own mental health journey and challenges that were ultimately linked to nutrition choices and habits.
A retiree, activist and former mental health worker who shared powerfully about his early years, and the formative interactions he had with Martin Luther King Sr. and Martin Luther King Jr. This man’s deep sense of gratitude was palpable and thick, even though his interactions with King Sr. and King Jr. had obviously occurred decades ago.
A graduate student sharing honestly about navigating mental health challenges and describing how she’s advocating and fighting for resources for others in similar situations.
A Black woman attending one of my keynote talks, who felt proud hearing me speak, like I was a member of her family speaking on her behalf.
A Black man who embraced me after one of my talks, and who shared his gratitude and his investment in his mental health-related vocation. Like others, he was also beaming with pride as we spoke.
Wellness Tip
Mental Wellness and the Power of Good Listener.
“You’re a really good listener.” This is another phrase that I heard while growing up. Thankfully, I still hear this phrase today. For a while, I attributed my good listening skills to my quiet demeaner. I reasoned that my quietness simply gave people space to open up and share. Over time, I’ve also realized that many people feel a certain ease in sharing their joys and challenges with me – even if I’ve just met them for the first time! Maybe this is due to the fact that I’m the son of psychiatrist?!
Humorously, people seem to move towards this vulnerability unintentionally. Oftentimes, they’ll later admit that they’re not sure why they opened up and shared their struggles so readily.
I’ve also become more fully aware of the power of effective listening. Not surprisingly, there are many books on this topic, and many people who’ve dedicated their lives to teaching and researching the art of listening.
Before hosting my first Addy Hour episode, my leadership coach recommended that I watch Celeste Headlee’s Ted Talk, “10 ways to have a better conversation.”
Her talk was both straightforward and transformative, as she discussed “how to talk and how to listen.” One theme that Celeste highlighted was how quickly we claim to be listening, even when we’re not fully engaged as listeners or when we’re simply waiting to talk or shift the focus to ourselves.
This principle of effective listening is also critically important in how we support each other’s mental health.
In our previous Town Hall conversation, Vicky Sigworth (from the Elm City chapter of the National Alliance on Mental Illness or NAMI) emphasized the power of a good listener, in the context mental health challenges. Vicky discussed the importance of finding a mental health worker (whether a psychologist, social work, licensed counselor, psychiatrist or other mental health worker) who will take time to “listen to your story.” In addition to looking for this listening quality in others, we can be that good listener as well.
For this week’s wellness tip, I encourage you to simply reflect on how well you listen to others.
The next time you’re in conversation with someone, try reflecting on these questions:
Are you truly being attentive to what the other person is saying? Or do you find yourself eagerly ready to share your experience, wisdom, knowledge and insight with each comment you “hear” from the other person.
If someone is struggling emotionally, do you give them space to describe how they’re feeling and why? Or do you try to quickly give advice or solutions in order to “fix their problem?”
Taking the time to stop talking and truly listen is easier said than done. This is especially true if we care deeply about the person who’s sharing.
If a friend or loved one is struggling, most of us are highly motivated to help them move forward, or help them find a solution. It can be even harder to listen, if the solution to their challenge appears straightforward to us (but maybe not to them).
There’s definitely a time and a place for offering help and suggestions. But there’s also tremendous power that comes when we first take the time to hear, listen, understand and support - even if it means suppressing our desire to try and fix the problem in that moment!
A Look Ahead
In the spirit of strong listening, stay tuned for our next Addy Hour episode, “On Belonging with Kim Samuel.” As stated in her bio, Kim is an activist, educator, and a leading voice in the global movement of belonging. She is also the author of On Belonging: Finding Connection in the Age Isolation. In this deeply moving episode, we’ll hear Kim’s powerful story, informed by her family experiences and her educational and societal scholarship and experiences.
